Fast night sketch of my bestie sleepymorgan. Well, it’s not her on the pic, the pic is based on her photo.
I’m so bad at drawing portraits, why.
almost finished drawing (i don’t really like)
coffee stains on my favorite little starbucks cup
too much coffee in this french press for the night
but it’s not the last one
i love those quiet nights, only the fly disturbs the silence i have
i want a cig but i’m not alone. sadness.
I’m such a waste of space. Such a waste of mom’s money (even though I work), waste of my boyfriend’s time and feelings and a complete waste of talent (they say I have it). I don’t want anything, I’m ruined but I continue destructing myself anyways with all those smoking and drinking and pills. I go nowhere, I had such great plans for my future but I don’t do anything to make them come true. I’m tired. I look at myself and see a total waste of this face, that is not that ugly, as I can think of it sometimes.
The last few weeks became a nightmare for me, one big long nightmare. I can’t stop crying, I cry in the shower, I cry when I eat, when I walk, study or just go anywhere. I wanna punch and cut myself, I hate everyone I talk to, and when I want to talk to someone, they don’t care. Thanks to the pills, I can function, I can go to the university and anywhere else, but this pain! I smoke much more than I did, than I should and than I promised to you, babe.
I’ve been at psychologists and psychiatrists and they didn’t help and I don’t think another ones will.
I just hope my life won’t end too soon and I’ll be strong and so on, but to be honest, I don’t believe the words I say.
For maybe the first time in my life I have to be brutally honest to myself. The most important thing ever and maybe the meaning of my life is not a career, love or, of course, kids (family) but self-expression. It can be done through lots of things like art (painting, song or music in general, poems etc.), clothing and whole appearance. And the hardest thing is to realize how to express yourself. I guess, that my inner motivation is helping me with it, like, the thoughts that I should move to Berlin (even though I wanted to live in Hamburg or somewhere else). Now I feel like I’m stuck and can’t do anything, but maybe it’s just another step to my dream and it gives me time to think what exactly I should do to reach my goals.
And I think I should write it all down so when time goes, I can look back at what I thought and realize who I am at that very moment.